I AM BACK! After 3 months of blogging break, almost 4 months without being really active on Instagram, about 14 packages of cookie dough, two bags of manner wafers, a little bit more fat, a lot of naps and 4 tv shows I am coming back to your life. you’re welcome. And here you have a 1000+ words report on how you got so lucky.
A little more than 2 months I got not a single thing done. I worked from 8 til 5, then ate with my host family, crawled into my bed and wasted time scrolling on my phone refreshing the page every 2 minutes or binging on netflix – I froze my gym membership, didn’t really leave the house any more, didn’t bother to put make-up on. All of that started in january when I got a really shitty injury – STOP RIGHT THERE and shove your eye rolling back in, this is not gonna be a please give me your sympathy story á la every single casting show on TV. My injury was nothing world stopping, it was simply an injury that forbid me to workout until the redness disappeared and a few weeks later it was all alright and now there’s nothing left reminding me of it.
But what this injury brought into my life was a long phase laziness (yes let’s just pretend that didn’t exist before), down..ness? (english language please make german word invention possible), and just no motivation in every aspect of my life. The injury itself wasn’t even the big problem but as most of you know the american health system isn’t that great (*ehem* IS THE BIGGEST THUNDERSHIT EVER) so the day after my three hour stay at the emergency room I had to call the hospital to ask how much my bill was -remember I had no idea about the american health system other than it sucks and expected a bill not higher than maybe 500$ since I was there for only THREE FUCKING HOURS). The lady on the telephone said 1580$. ONETHOUSANDFIVEHUNDREDANDEIGHTYDOLLARS. AMERICA WHAT THE FUCK. Yes of course I have insurance but my insurance is 90% fine print and this fine print says very clearly that my kind of injury WILL NOT be covered. Compared to other health care bills this seems like nothing but for me this was huge and the black as soot cherry on top of a few days full of frustration and hits, so I had nothing left other than to randomnly start crying all the time the next few days. (please remember I don’t want sympathy here, everything’s fine, I am just telling the story)
I am very much into #selfcare and such shit, so I thought the next days I’ll just lay in bed and fill my head with tv shows until my head can think about anything else than one five eight zero again. Nice idea, didn’t really work as I planned it out though. Because as soon as I got into this netflix every night circle I didn’t get out anymore. The thing is this: I am a very, very active person. I workout up to 7 times a week and if I don’t move I lose motivation and energy. And that’s what it was. Every single thing got too exhausting for me – even if my day just consisted of going to the park with my host kid and walking around with him a bit I definitely needed at least an one hour nap right after work.
At one point I tried to leave the house again – beginning of March a friend from Germany was visiting me and together we went on a roadtrip and drove up to L.A. for a few days. I started to do things again, but still got nothing done. My to do list kept growing, my blog and instagram got quieter. I felt worse, my skin got worse from all the chocolate, I looked like shit because I just didn’t care for myself anymore. Or maybe I didn’t look like shit but I definitely felt like shit. And one night I sat in front of my laptop again – the screen brighter than my thoughts – and just thought to myself no. I don’t want this anymore. And that’s how it started.
I didn’t want to feel sorry for myself anymore. I knew I don’t have that much time left here in America and I shouldn’t waste this precious time having netflix as my best friend. I haven’t taken a selfie in forever. When was the last time I thought my face was okay? I don’t know. No, this is definitely not depression. No, theres nothing to feel sorry for here. I just completely let myself go for a while. That was my own decision. At the beginning of the year I wrote down a list of my 2017 goals – nothing show stopping, but important for me – and I didn’t even get close to reaching one of these even though some are so small and even though things looked so bright in January. And just like giving everything up completely for a while was my own (shitty) decision, getting back up and starting again was my own (awesome) decision too.
Here is my own very personal instruction on how to get back up – maybe this instruction is only working for me, maybe for some people these things are a daily ritual even on their worst days, but maybe not and maybe this is just a stupid waste of time to read to someone. But for me all these little things are a step forward.
here we go
So I was lying there in my bed and thought nope, I don’t want this anymore. I shut my laptop and went straight into the bathroom and took a 30 minute shower at midnight. I washed my hair, I used my face brush for the first time in 2 months, for the first time I used the body peeling I got for christmas, I shaved myself from head to toes (ehm, you know what I mean, like in a saying way), I got out of the shower, I used body lotion for the first time since…I got here??? I brushed my teeth and did oil pulling, I – AND NOW DON’T FREAK OUT – painted my nails!!!! and even if you all now say “huh what is that bitch talking? that’s my sunday night routine” well congratulations but I didn’t really care for myself for 2 months. Binging netflix non-stop is not what I call #selfcare, I call that #letsshitonourlives.
I kept going the next day. I started to bring organization back into my life. I texted my friends what we are gonna do this weekend. I answered all my mails and completed my university homework. I looked up how to pay my taxes and instead of burying myself in my room I spend time with the family again. I washed my bedding and the whole content of my wardrobe. I wrote all my post cards – some that were even still lying around from NYC.
And the thing that was probably the most important one for me – I started working out again. Together with my host mum I started the BBG over another time. Shortly after I was on vacation in Cabo for one week and as soon as I returned I reactivated my gym membership. Holy shit, I missed this so much,
And now, 1 month after that I FINALLY checked off the last thing of my to do List which piled up since January I found time and motivation again to just sit down and write. At one point I even considered giving writing up completely – can you believe that??? Giving up one of my biggest passions, just because there was motivation missing in my life. And now I am sitting here, 1150 words (and counting) are just flowing out of my hands. I am sitting here and doing what I love – and that’s not just because they took the domain fee for the next six months off my bank account last week – but because I am where I want to be.
By the way, last week – 3 months after my injury – I finally got a letter from my insurance saying that they will pay about 70% of my bill!!! I have no idea how this happened but I am more than happy – which my host parents could easily see looking at me doing my happiness dance which looked like Beyoncés single ladies with a half brain and three per mille.
You know, when this blogpost came spitting out of my fingers the title was “how to pick yourself up” and now that I am looking back on it I don’t know if the name makes sense at all. It’s just a report about this one girl who was overly lazy and finally performed some good hygiene again and her body finally burns more calories again than her computer energy (this is not a scientific fact). But even if nobody cares about this whole thing and nobody feels like this article added to their life I think it’s still great for me to finally pour it all out. It’s nice to be back.
And now take another moment to appreciate this GENIUS title.