Hi friends! I usually tell all my funny stories on instagram, but since I am blessed with the talent to write a whole essay about a bowl of pasta with tomato sauce my instagram captions get longer and longer each time – so long that I had to continue a story in the comments last week and by now I write my stories on the laptop and send them to myself via email to copy and paste them into instagram. And I think this story would have blown it all.
As you may have noticed, it was Halloween! Au Pairs go crazy on Halloween. We want cool costumes, pumpkin carving, fake blood everywhere, trick or treating and most importantly – we need a cool ass halloween party. Like those on tv. With red cups.
My girls and I of course wanted that too, and how do Au Pairs find parties? Like any other social contact apart from other Au Pairs. TO THE TINDER! By now I almost completely gave up on tinder (HOW am I supposed to text with so many persons?? I can’t even text my mom back??) but my gurl Lynne is so tinder talented that we had a bunch of parties so choose from at the end.
After a lot of discussing we decided that Nathalie is going to drive and developed a rough plan: meet up at Nathalie’s, get ready together, choose a party, drive over there, sober up a little in the car, drive back to Nathalie, sober up some more and sleep, Lynne’s gonna drive Kim home, Lynne’s going home, end of plan. But we are not talented in sticking to plans.
And so we spend waaaay too much time hiking on saturday, then stopped for dinner at a casino, while Nathalie forgot that she already told Lynne that we are gonna be home soon, so Lynne was already at Nathalie’s door when we still 1,5 hours away from her. And then we still stopped at WalMart to buy materials for our costumes. Our costumes were THE SHIT by the way. More about that later. Meanwhile Lynne was travelling half way around the globe aka driving to MY house, using the toll road by mistake so she wasted 2,50$ (which is a lot for au pairs) only to drive back to Nathalie again.
Finally we arrived at Nathalie’s place (at like 11pm, we wanted to be at the party at 11pm), got ready, I inhaled a bowl of pasta with Sriracha and dried oregano leaves (probably the most disgusting thing I’ve ever eaten) and made our costumes.
Nathalie was a ghost. One of these with a white sheet over her head and two holes to see through. 10$ and 2 minutes.
I was a tinder conversation. I actually got this message. Without the dickpic though, but that had to be on there for the drama. 3$ and 5 minutes.
Lynne dressed in all black and used children’s make up to paint her face as a skeleton. 5$ and 10 minutes.
After midnight we actually were finally ready to go and hopped into the car to get to the first, highly promising party. When we arrived everyone was on the street. Well oka, let’s just ask “hey, is this party any good?” answer from a boy that I would guess to be 13 ” HELL YEAH, it’s gonna be LIT!!” alrighty then, we’re leaving. “HEY BABE, where u goin??” as far away as I can, BYYYEE. Pedophilia is not my thang.
short backstory: on that saturday Nathalie took me to one of her tinder dates because she was afraid he would be annoying and then she’d be stuck on a hike with him for a few hours. So big saviour Kimi came to help. But the guy was alright, actually really funny AND he only lived 5 minutes from the party. Coincidence? I don’t think so. Destiny? Hell yes. So we picked him and his tall-guy-firend (with who the two of them try to hook me up) and drove to the next party in a gated community.
summary: no music where the party is supposed to be, yolo, let’s just peek into the garden, hear a few voices, seems to be low, discussion about a new plan, “guys, if we don’t want to be at this party we should maybe step out of their garden again”, #brilliant, back into the car, no plan, masterplan “we go back to the party of the 13 year olds and just get drunk!” #thatsmythang
So we drove back. BUT there’s also no music. And somehow no people either. As you know in America you get shot when you walk onto other people’s property, but whatever, let’s spy into the window. In that moment some people that were actually not 13 but more our age came up and told us the police came and everybody fled #andmybrainlike #ifweonlystayedhere but then the party went on with a few selected people (they didn’t say that, but it felt like it) and, more importantly, OLDER people. Since there’s no good party without the necessary kim-factor of course we stayed.
After a few minutes we got the breaking news that all of the alcohol was gone #cryingkimin3..2.. “BUT..” #WHATWHATWHAT “in the big container over there is witch brew” wat dat? “eight strong alcohols mixed together with some juice, gets you wasted af” sounds good to me! After a half (red!!) cup I was indeniably drunk. And all my friends were too. Then the fun began. Beer Pong WITH THE RED CUPS, super private conversations with super unfamiliar persons about my titties, praising myself for my own costume everywhere, selfies on the toilet (like, literally on the toilet, not in the bathroom mirror), Lynne’s lying in some corner producing as many snaps as she can with the dogs, at that point Nathalie was already long lost, I start a discussion about whether Kim K is dumb as fuck or a brilliant business woman (feministkim of course fought for her as brilliant business woman) that ended in the dude in the short fake-suede dress and cat ears sticking his tongue down my throat. But I prefered to keep on drinking instead (and I don’t need the tongue of someone who fights against me in a feminist battle anyway), til my beloved Nathalie finally appeared again.
At this point the sun was about to rise again already, so we all scurried over to tinder date’s house (I could have told you from the beginning that it would end like this) and slept the alcohol in our body away for a bit. In the morning I was woken up by tinder date’s mum (who is a cutie) extending the seat in which I slept. Tinder date could have told me that this is a possibility BEFORE I spent the night as a ball.
And the rest is curing my hungover… and a lot of after-drunk storys. Coming soon to an instagram profile near you. Specifically my instagram. You better follow me @shadesofkim